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Don't Hit Me
Until your next turn, your life total can't change and you gain protection from everything. All permanents you control phase out. (While they're phased out, they're treated as though they don't exist. They phase in before you untap during your untap step.) Exile Teferi's Protection.

Don't Hit Me
Ramp
Vigilance When this creature enters, if an opponent controls more lands than you, you may search your library for a Plains card and put it onto the battlefield tapped. Then if an opponent controls more lands than you, repeat this process once. If you search your library this way, shuffle.

When this creature enters, if an opponent controls more lands than you, search your library for a Desert card, put it onto the battlefield tapped, then shuffle. Whenever one or more land cards are put into your graveyard from anywhere, create a 1/1 red, green, and white Sand Warrior creature token. This ability triggers only once each turn.

Ramp
Backup flings
Backup flings
Draw
Each opponent chooses fame or fortune. For each player who chose fame, gain control of a creature that player controls until end of turn. Untap those creatures and they gain haste until end of turn. For each player who chose fortune, you draw a card and create a Treasure token.

Indestructible When The One Ring enters, if you cast it, you gain protection from everything until your next turn. At the beginning of your upkeep, you lose 1 life for each burden counter on The One Ring. {T}: Put a burden counter on The One Ring, then draw a card for each burden counter on The One Ring.

Draw
Recursion
Spirits you control get +1/+1 and have trample and haste. Whenever another nontoken creature you control dies, exile it. If you do, create a token that's a copy of that creature, except it's a Spirit in addition to its other types and it has "When this token leaves the battlefield, return the exiled card to its owner's graveyard."

Imprint — Whenever a nontoken creature dies, you may exile that card. If you do, return each other card exiled with this artifact to its owner's graveyard. {3}, {T}: Create a token that's a copy of a card exiled with this artifact. It gains haste. Exile it at the beginning of the next end step.

Recursion
Wipes
Wipes
Burn
When Ertha Jo enters, create a 1/1 red Mercenary creature token with "{T}: Target creature you control gets +1/+0 until end of turn. Activate only as a sorcery." Whenever you activate an ability that targets a creature or player, copy that ability. You may choose new targets for the copy.

Burn
Land
Land
Theft
Gain control of target creature until end of turn. Untap that creature. Until end of turn, it gains haste and "Whenever this creature deals combat damage to a player or battle, create a Treasure token." (It's an artifact with "{T}, Sacrifice this token: Add one mana of any color.")

Gain control of target creature until end of turn. Untap that creature. It gains haste until end of turn. Create a Wicked Role token attached to up to one target creature. (If you control another Role on it, put that one into the graveyard. Enchanted creature gets +1/+1. When this token is put into a graveyard, each opponent loses 1 life.)

Theft
Cheat wincons
Soul of Eternity's power and toughness are each equal to your life total. Encore {7}{W}{W} ({7}{W}{W}, Exile this card from your graveyard: For each opponent, create a token copy that attacks that opponent this turn if able. They gain haste. Sacrifice them at the beginning of the next end step. Activate only as a sorcery.)

Cheat wincons
Protection
Protection
Theft Creature
Enthralling Performance — When this creature enters, gain control of target creature you don't control until end of turn. Untap it. It gains haste and myriad until end of turn. (Whenever it attacks, for each opponent other than defending player, you may create a token copy that's tapped and attacking that player or a planeswalker they control. Exile the tokens at end of combat.)

Theft Creature
.cuts
When this artifact enters, search your library for up to two basic Plains cards, reveal them, put them into your hand, then shuffle. Whenever a land an opponent controls enters, if that player controls more lands than you, you may put a land card from your hand onto the battlefield.

Flying When this creature leaves the battlefield, choose an opponent who controls more lands than you. Search your library for a number of Plains cards equal to the difference, reveal those cards, put one of them onto the battlefield tapped and the rest into your hand, then shuffle.

At the beginning of each opponent's end step, if that player controls more creatures than you, create a 1/1 white Soldier creature token. At the beginning of each opponent's end step, if that player controls more lands than you, you may search your library for a basic Plains card, put it onto the battlefield tapped, then shuffle.

This creature enters with a +1/+1 counter on it. {T}, Remove a counter from a permanent you control: Search your library for a Plains card and reveal it. If an opponent controls more lands than you, you may put that card onto the battlefield tapped. If you don't put the card onto the battlefield, put it into your hand. Then shuffle.

When this creature enters, search your library for a basic Plains card and reveal it. If an opponent controls more lands than you, put it onto the battlefield tapped. Otherwise, put it into your hand. Then shuffle. Foretell {1}{W} (During your turn, you may pay {2} and exile this card from your hand face down. Cast it on a later turn for its foretell cost.)

Take for a Ride has flash as long as you've committed a crime this turn. (Targeting opponents, anything they control, and/or cards in their graveyards is a crime.) Gain control of target creature until end of turn. Untap that creature. It gains haste until end of turn.

.cuts
Maybeboard
If a permanent you control would be put into a graveyard from the battlefield this turn, exile it instead. Return it to the battlefield under its owner's control at the beginning of the next end step. Foretell {1}{W} (During your turn, you may pay {2} and exile this card from your hand face down. Cast it on a later turn for its foretell cost.)

Maybeboard
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