He pissed on my fucking wife

Notion Rain

Surveil 2, then draw two cards. Notion Rain deals 2 damage to you. (To surveil 2, look at the top two cards of your library, then put any number of them into your graveyard and the rest on top of your library in any order.)

Sol Ring

Island

Talisman of Creativity

{T}: Add {C}.
{T}: Add {U} or {R}. This artifact deals 1 damage to you.

Assaultron Dominator

When this creature enters, you get {E}{E} (two energy counters).
Whenever an artifact creature you control attacks, you may pay {E}. If you do, put your choice of a +1/+1, first strike, or trample counter on that creature.

Talisman of Indulgence

{T}: Add {C}.
{T}: Add {B} or {R}. This artifact deals 1 damage to you.

Rain of Revelation

Coalstoke Gearhulk

Menace, deathtouch
When this creature enters, put target creature card with mana value 4 or less from a graveyard onto the battlefield under your control with a finality counter on it. That creature gains menace, deathtouch, and haste. At the beginning of your next end step, exile that creature.

Call out post

Piper Wright, Publick Reporter

Whenever Piper Wright deals combat damage to a player, investigate that many times. (To investigate, create a Clue token. It's an artifact with "{2}, Sacrifice this token: Draw a card.")
Whenever you sacrifice a Clue, put a +1/+1 counter on target creature you control.

Rain of Gore

If a spell or ability would cause its controller to gain life, that player loses that much life instead.

The moon

Alpine Moon

As this enchantment enters, choose a nonbasic land card name.
Lands your opponents control with the chosen name lose all land types and abilities, and they gain "{T}: Add one mana of any color."

My super laser piss

Doom Cannon

As this artifact enters, choose a creature type.
{3}, {T}, Sacrifice a creature of the chosen type: This artifact deals 3 damage to any target.

Call Forth the Tempest

Cascade, cascade (When you cast this spell, exile cards from the top of your library until you exile a nonland card that costs less. You may cast it without paying its mana cost. Put the exiled cards on the bottom of your library in a random order. Then do it again.)
Call Forth the Tempest deals damage to each creature your opponents control equal to the total mana value of other spells you've cast this turn.

It's the size of this walnut

Acorn Catapult

{1}, {T}: This artifact deals 1 damage to any target. That permanent's controller or that player creates a 1/1 green Squirrel creature token.

Command Tower

{T}: Add one mana of any color in your commander's color identity.

Chaos Defiler

Trample
Battle Cannon — When this creature enters or dies, for each opponent, choose a nonland permanent that player controls. Destroy one of them chosen at random.

Dimir Signet

Piss Drrrrroplets

Molten Rain

Destroy target land. If that land was nonbasic, Molten Rain deals 2 damage to the land's controller.

Delete

Delete deals X damage to each nonartifact creature and each player.

Depthshaker Titan

When this creature enters, any number of target noncreature artifacts you control become 3/3 artifact creatures. Sacrifice them at the beginning of the next end step.
Each artifact creature you control has melee, trample, and haste. (Whenever a creature with melee attacks, it gets +1/+1 until end of turn for each opponent you attacked this combat.)

Cyberdrive Awakener

Flying
Other artifact creatures you control have flying.
When this creature enters, until end of turn, each noncreature artifact you control becomes an artifact creature with base power and toughness 4/4.

Here's what my dong looks like

Echo Storm

When you cast this spell, copy it for each time you've cast your commander from the command zone this game. You may choose new targets for the copies.
Create a token that's a copy of target artifact.

Myr Battlesphere

When this creature enters, create four 1/1 colorless Myr artifact creature tokens.
Whenever this creature attacks, you may tap X untapped Myr you control. If you do, this creature gets +X/+0 until end of turn and deals X damage to the player or planeswalker it's attacking.

Swamp

Caustic Rain

Moon Heron

Honeymoon Hearse

Trample
Tap two untapped creatures you control: This Vehicle becomes an artifact creature until end of turn.

Star of Extinction

Destroy target land. Star of Extinction deals 20 damage to each creature and each planeswalker.

Pyrostatic Pillar

Whenever a player casts a spell with mana value 3 or less, this enchantment deals 2 damage to that player.

Basalt Monolith

This artifact doesn't untap during your untap step.
{T}: Add {C}{C}{C}.
{3}: Untap this artifact.

Moonlace

Target spell or permanent becomes colorless.

Tower of Calamities

{8}, {T}: This artifact deals 12 damage to target creature.

Starstorm

Starstorm deals X damage to each creature.
Cycling {3} ({3}, Discard this card: Draw a card.)

Misleading Signpost

Flash
When this artifact enters during the declare attackers step, you may reselect which player or permanent target attacking creature is attacking. (It can't attack its controller or their permanents.)
{T}: Add {U}.

Dawnsire, Sunstar Dreadnought

Station (Tap another creature you control: Put charge counters equal to its power on this Spacecraft. Station only as a sorcery. It's an artifact creature at 20+.)
STATION 10+
Whenever you attack, Dawnsire deals 100 damage to up to one target creature or planeswalker.
STATION 20+
Flying

Rakdos Signet

Obelisk of Grixis

Lavaborn Muse

At the beginning of each opponent's upkeep, if that player has two or fewer cards in hand, this creature deals 3 damage to that player.

Hovermyr

Extinguisher Battleship

When this Spacecraft enters, destroy target noncreature permanent. Then this Spacecraft deals 4 damage to each creature.
Station (Tap another creature you control: Put charge counters equal to its power on this Spacecraft. Station only as a sorcery. It's an artifact creature at 5+.)
STATION 5+
Flying, trample

Izzet Signet

Dr. Eggman

Flying
At the beginning of your end step, draw a card. Then each opponent faces a villainous choice — That player discards a card, or you may put a Construct, Robot, or Vehicle card from your hand onto the battlefield.

Arcane Signet

Vampire of the Dire Moon

Deathtouch (Any amount of damage this deals to a creature is enough to destroy it.)
Lifelink (Damage dealt by this creature also causes you to gain that much life.)

Dong Zhou, the Tyrant

When Dong Zhou enters, target creature an opponent controls deals damage equal to its power to that player.

Golden Demise

Ascend (If you control ten or more permanents, you get the city's blessing for the rest of the game.)
All creatures get -2/-2 until end of turn. If you have the city's blessing, instead only creatures your opponents control get -2/-2 until end of turn.

Ponder

Look at the top three cards of your library, then put them back in any order. You may shuffle.
Draw a card.

Trading Post

{1}, {T}, Discard a card: You gain 4 life.
{1}, {T}, Pay 1 life: Create a 0/1 white Goat creature token.
{1}, {T}, Sacrifice a creature: Return target artifact card from your graveyard to your hand.
{1}, {T}, Sacrifice an artifact: Draw a card.

Path of Ancestry

This land enters tapped.
{T}: Add one mana of any color in your commander's color identity. When that mana is spent to cast a creature spell that shares a creature type with your commander, scry 1. (Look at the top card of your library. You may put that card on the bottom.)

Stone Rain

Laser Screwdriver

{T}: Add one mana of any color.
{1}, {T}: Tap target artifact.
{2}, {T}: Surveil 1. (Look at the top card of your library. You may put that card into your graveyard.)
{3}, {T}: Goad target creature. (Until your next turn, it attacks each combat if able and attacks a player other than you if able.)

Imprisoned in the Moon

Enchant creature, land, or planeswalker
Enchanted permanent is a colorless land with "{T}: Add {C}" and loses all other card types and abilities.

Shadow the hedgehog

Shadow the Hedgehog

Haste
Whenever Shadow the Hedgehog or another creature you control with flash or haste dies, draw a card.
Chaos Control — Each spell you cast has split second if mana from an artifact was spent to cast it. (As long as it's on the stack, players can't cast spells or activate abilities that aren't mana abilities.)

Exterminator Magmarch

Whenever you cast an instant or sorcery spell that targets only a single nonland permanent an opponent controls, if another opponent controls one or more nonland permanents that spell could target, choose one of those permanents. Copy that spell. The copy targets the chosen permanent.
{1}{B}: Regenerate this creature.

Bathe in Gold

Create a Treasure token. (Then exile this card. You may cast the creature later from exile.)

Young Red Dragon

Young Red Dragon // Bathe in Gold

Thief of Sanity

Flying
Whenever this creature deals combat damage to a player, look at the top three cards of that player's library, exile one of them face down, then put the rest into their graveyard. You may cast that card for as long as it remains exiled, and mana of any type can be spent to cast that spell.

Noxious Gearhulk

Menace
When this creature enters, you may destroy another target creature. If a creature is destroyed this way, you gain life equal to its toughness.

Olivia, Crimson Bride

Flying, haste
Whenever Olivia attacks, return target creature card from your graveyard to the battlefield tapped and attacking. It gains "When you don't control a legendary Vampire, exile this creature."

Screens

The Lord of Pain

Menace
Your opponents can't gain life.
Whenever a player casts their first spell each turn, choose another target player. The Lord of Pain deals damage equal to that spell's mana value to the chosen player.

Pale Moon

Until end of turn, if a player taps a nonbasic land for mana, it produces colorless mana instead of any other type.

Combustible Gearhulk

First strike
When this creature enters, target opponent may have you draw three cards. If the player doesn't, you mill three cards, then this creature deals damage to that player equal to the total mana value of those cards.

Rain of Embers

Rain of Embers deals 1 damage to each creature and each player.

Mountain

Pigment Storm

Pigment Storm deals 5 damage to target creature. Excess damage is dealt to that creature's controller instead.

Reaver Titan

Void Shields — Protection from mana value 3 or less
Gatling Blaster — Whenever this Vehicle attacks, it deals 5 damage to each opponent.
Crew 4 (Tap any number of creatures you control with total power 4 or more: This Vehicle becomes an artifact creature until end of turn.)

Blightsteel Colossus

Trample, infect, indestructible
If Blightsteel Colossus would be put into a graveyard from anywhere, reveal Blightsteel Colossus and shuffle it into its owner's library instead.

So Tiny

Flash
Enchant creature
Enchanted creature gets -2/-0. It gets -6/-0 instead as long as its controller has seven or more cards in their graveyard.

Bone Flute

{2}, {T}: All creatures get -1/-0 until end of turn.

Talisman of Dominance

{T}: Add {C}.
{T}: Add {U} or {B}. This artifact deals 1 damage to you.

Rolling Hamsphere

This Vehicle gets +1/+1 for each Hamster you control.
Whenever this Vehicle attacks, create three 1/1 red Hamster creature tokens, then it deals X damage to any target, where X is the number of Hamsters you control.
Crew 3

Hexavus

Flying
This creature enters with six +1/+1 counters on it.
{1}, Remove a +1/+1 counter from this creature: Put a flying counter on another target creature.
{1}, Remove a counter from another creature you control: Put a +1/+1 counter on this creature.

Call to the Void

Each player secretly chooses a creature they control and a creature they don't control. Then those choices are revealed. Destroy each creature chosen this way.

Geralf's Messenger

This creature enters tapped.
When this creature enters, target opponent loses 2 life.
Undying (When this creature dies, if it had no +1/+1 counters on it, return it to the battlefield under its owner's control with a +1/+1 counter on it.)

Serum Visions

Shivan Meteor

Shivan Meteor deals 13 damage to target creature.
Suspend 2—{1}{R}{R} (Rather than cast this card from your hand, you may pay {1}{R}{R} and exile it with two time counters on it. At the beginning of your upkeep, remove a time counter. When the last is removed, you may cast it without paying its mana cost.)

Torment of Hailfire

Repeat the following process X times. Each opponent loses 3 life unless that player sacrifices a nonland permanent of their choice or discards a card.