Ass Whuppin'

Destroy target silver-bordered or acorn permanent in any game you can see from your seat.

Autograph Book

This artifact enters with a page counter on it for each person who has signed it.
{3}, {T}, Remove a page counter from this artifact: Draw a card.

Toy Boat

Cumulative upkeep—Say "Toy Boat" quickly. (At the beginning of your upkeep, put an age counter on this creature, then sacrifice it unless you say "Toy Boat" once for each age counter on it—without pausing between or fumbling it.)

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Temp of the Damned

As this creature enters, roll a six-sided die. This creature enters with a number of funk counters on it equal to the result.
At the beginning of your upkeep, remove a funk counter from this creature. If you can't, sacrifice it.

Lantern of Undersight

You draw cards from the bottom of your library instead of the top of your library.

Just Desserts

Just Desserts deals π damage to target creature. (π is the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter. (It's a smidgen more than 3.))

Fowl Play

Enchant creature
Enchanted creature loses all abilities and is a Bird creature with base power and toughness 1/1.

Blue Ribbon

When this Equipment enters, ask a person outside the game which creature you control is most deserving of a blue ribbon. Attach this Equipment to that creature.
Equipped creature has best in show. (Whenever another creature becomes the target of a spell or ability you control, you may copy that spell or ability. If you do, the copy targets this creature.)
Equip {3}

Charm School

As this enchantment enters, choose a color and balance this enchantment on your head.
Prevent all damage that would be dealt to you by sources of the chosen color.
When this enchantment falls off your head, sacrifice this enchantment.

I'm Rubber, You're Glue

When you speak in non-rhyming sentences, sacrifice this enchantment.
Say "I'm rubber, you're glue. Everything bounces off me and sticks to you": Change the target of target spell or ability that targets only you.

The Grand Tour

Exile target permanent, then put it into its owner's hand. That player discards that card, then puts it on top of their library. Then they put it onto the battlefield.

Boomstacker

As this creature enters and whenever it attacks, stack two dice on top of it. (All dice must be stacked vertically, one on top of another.)
This creature gets +1/+1 for each die in its stack.
This creature attacks each combat if able.
When the stack falls, sacrifice this creature.

Personal Decoy

Personal Decoy enters with a number of loyalty counters on it equal to your life total. If it would leave the battlefield, exile it instead of putting it anywhere else. You can't be attacked.
+1: You gain 1 life.
−4: Draw a card.

Orcish Paratroopers

When this creature enters, flip it from a height of at least one foot. Sacrifice this creature unless it turns over completely at least once during the flip and lands face up.

Carnivorous Death-Parrot

Flying
At the beginning of your upkeep, sacrifice this creature unless you say its flavor text.

Elvish House Party

Elvish House Party's power and toughness are each equal to the current hour, using the twelve-hour system.

Prismatic Wardrobe

Destroy target nonartifact, nonland permanent that doesn't share a color with clothing worn by its controller.

Farewell to Arms

As this enchantment enters, choose a hand attached to an opponent's arm.
When the chosen hand isn't behind its owner's back, sacrifice this enchantment. If you do, that player discards their hand . . . of cards. (The lawyers wouldn't let us do it the other way.)

Double Header

Flying
When this creature enters, you may return target permanent with a two-word name to its owner's hand.

Lich's Duel Mastery

Hexproof
When Lich's Duel Mastery enters the battlefield, exile the top five cards of your library face down as shields.
If you would lose life, instead put one of your shields into your hand. If you can't, sacrifice Lich's Duel Mastery.
When Lich's Duel Mastery leaves the battlefield, you lose the game.

Slight Malfunction

Choose one —
• Destroy target artifact.
• Roll a six-sided die. When you do, Slight Malfunction deals 1 damage to each of up to X target creatures, where X is the result.

Mana Abundance

If a player would add mana, instead all players add that mana.

Tainted Monkey

{T}: Choose a word. Target player mills a card. If a card with the chosen word in its text box was milled this way, they lose 3 life.

Omenpath to Naya

Vanishing 4 (This land enters the battlefield with four time counters on it. At the beginning of your upkeep, remove a time counter from it. When the last is removed, sacrifice it.)
{T}: Add {R}, {G}, or {W}.

Water Gun Balloon Game

As this artifact enters, each player puts a pop! counter on "0."
Whenever a player casts a spell, move that player's pop! counter up one.
Whenever a player's pop! counter hits "5," that player creates a 5/5 pink Giant Teddy Bear creature token and resets all pop! counters to "0."

Face to Face

You and target opponent play a best two-out-of-three Rock, Paper, Scissors match. If you win, Face to Face deals 5 damage to that player.

Poultrygeist

Flying
Whenever a creature dies, you may roll a six-sided die. If you roll a 1, sacrifice this creature. Otherwise, put a +1/+1 counter on this creature.

A Real Handful

As long as one or more hands are touching this creature, it gets +2/+2.
As long as two or more hands are touching this creature, it has menace.
As long as three or more hands are touching this creature, it has lifelink.

Spelling Bee

Flying, deathtouch
Whenever this creature deals combat damage to a player, that player looks at the top card of your library and chooses a word on that card. You spell that word. If you spell it correctly, draw a card. Otherwise, scry 1.

Squirrel Dealer

When this creature enters, ask a person outside the game "Do you like Squirrels?" If they do, create a 1/1 green Squirrel creature token.

Pygmy Giant

{R}, {T}, Sacrifice a creature: This creature deals X damage to target creature, where X is a number in the sacrificed creature's text box.

Exit Through the Grift Shop

Yell "Who wants a souvenir?" and announce the name of a nonland card in your graveyard. Each player in an Un-game who can hear you may bid life. You start the bidding at 0. The high bidder loses life equal to the high bid. They copy the card and may cast the copy without paying its mana cost. If you didn't win the bid, you gain life equal to the high bid and create that many Treasure tokens.

Do-Over

Restart the turn, except with Do-Over in exile. (First, return all cards to where they were as the turn began. For information from hidden zones like the hand, reconstruct as best you can, and do the rest at random.)

"Ach! Hans, Run!"

At the beginning of your upkeep, you may say "Ach! Hans, run! It's the . . ." and the name of a creature card. If you do, search your library for a card with that name, put it onto the battlefield, then shuffle. That creature gains haste. Exile it at the beginning of the next end step.

Over My Dead Bodies

Creature cards in graveyards can attack and block as though they were on the battlefield, can block or be blocked only by creature cards in graveyards, are Zombies in addition to their other types, and have undeathtouch. (If they would deal damage to a creature card, exile that creature card instead.)
Creature cards in your graveyard have haste.

Strength-Testing Hammer

Whenever equipped creature attacks, roll a six-sided die. That creature gets +X/+0 until end of turn, where X is the result. Then if it has the greatest power or is tied for greatest power among creatures on the battlefield, draw a card.
Equip {3}

Nearby Planet

Rangeling (This card is every land type, including Plains, Island, Swamp, Mountain, Forest, Desert, Gate, Lair, Locus, and all those Urza's ones.)
This land enters tapped.
When this land enters, sacrifice it unless you pay {1}.

Chronobot

When Chronobot enters, switch upkeep steps with target opponent for as long as it remains on the battlefield. (You take your upkeep on their turn, and they take their upkeep on your turn.)

Super-Duper Lost

Put target creature into its owner's library just beneath the top X cards of that library, where X is the number of doors you can see from your seat.

Working Stiff

As this creature enters, straighten your arms.
When you bend an elbow, sacrifice this creature.

Octo Opus

When this enchantment enters, create a 4/4 blue Octopus Performer creature token named Contortionist with "At the beginning of your upkeep, you may fold this token in half." (It becomes 2/2, then 1/1, ½/½, and so on.)
Sacrifice this enchantment: Draw a card and an additional card for each of Contortionist's folds.

Necro-Impotence

Skip your untap step.
At the beginning of your upkeep, you may pay X life. If you do, untap X permanents.
Pay ½ life: Exile the top card of your library face down. Put that card into your hand at the beginning of the next end step.

Carnival Barker

{T}: You have thirty seconds to laud a creature you control to any people outside the game. Until end of turn, that creature gains trample and haste and gets +X/+0, where X is the number of those people who applauded. Activate only as a sorcery and only once.

Queue of Beetles

Haste
The stack is now first in, first out instead of last in, first out. (The first spell or ability on the stack is the first one to resolve.)

Mouth to Mouth

Choose target opponent and target creature they control. You and that player have a breath-holding contest. If you win, you gain control of that creature.

Main Event Horizon

As an additional cost to cast this spell, choose A through M or N through Z.
Destroy each creature whose name begins with a letter in the chosen range.

Mana Screw

{1}: Flip a coin. If you win the flip, add {C}{C}. Activate only as an instant.

Eye to Eye

You and target creature's controller have a staring contest. If you win, destroy that creature.

A Good Thing

Spells and abilities you control can't destroy, exile, target, or cause you to sacrifice A Good Thing.
At the beginning of your upkeep, double your life total. Then, if you have 1,000 or more life, you lose the game.

Emcee

Whenever another creature enters, you may stand up and say in a deep, booming voice, "Presenting . . . " and that creature's name. If you do, put a +1/+1 counter on that creature.

Miss Demeanor

Flying, first strike
At the beginning of each other player's upkeep, you may compliment that player on their game play. If you don't, sacrifice this creature.

Trigger Happy

Choose a triggered ability of target permanent. It triggers. You control that ability.

Hazmat Suit (Used)

Enchant creature
Enchanted creature gets +2/+1 and has menace.
Whenever a player's skin or fingernail touches enchanted creature, that player loses 2 life.

Mother of Goons

Whenever a creature an opponent controls dies, sacrifice this creature unless you insult that creature.

Destroy target creature with reminder text. (Reminder text is any italicized text in parentheses that explains rules you already know.)

Frankie Peanuts

At the beginning of your upkeep, you may ask target player a yes-or-no question. If you do, that player answers the question truthfully and abides by that answer if able until end of turn.

Wordmail

Enchant creature
Enchanted creature gets +1/+1 for each word in its name.

Super Secret Tech

Premium spells cost {1} less to cast.
Premium creatures get +1/+1.

Whenever a creature deals damage to a player, that player may say "Ow" once for each permanent named Ow. If the player doesn't, this enchantment deals 1 damage to them.

You Compleat Me

If your life total is greater than 10, it becomes 10. For the rest of the game, your maximum life total is 10. You get an emblem with "Pay 2 life: Add one mana of any color" and "At the beginning of your upkeep, you draw a card and you lose 1 life."

Alpha Guard

When this creature enters, choose a letter.
{T}: Untap another target permanent whose name starts with the chosen letter.

Get Your Head in the Game

Flash
When this enchantment enters, exile target nonland permanent until it (this card) leaves the battlefield, then touch it (this card) to your head. When it (this card) stops touching it (your head), sacrifice it (the card, not your head).

Extremely Slow Zombie

Last strike (This creature deals combat damage after creatures without last strike.)

Mesa Chicken

Stand up, Flap your arms, Cluck like a chicken: This creature gains flying until end of turn.

Elvish Impersonators

As this creature enters, roll a six-sided die twice. Its base power becomes the first result and its base toughness becomes the second result.

Mox Poison

{T}: Add one mana of any color. You get two poison counters.

Exchange of Words

When this enchantment enters, choose two target creatures. For as long as this enchantment remains on the battlefield, exchange the text boxes of those creatures.

Ignacio of Myra's Marvels

As Ignacio of Myra's Marvels enters, choose armor, blood, book, bottle, fang, fire, scroll, spear, sword, or water.
Whenever you cast a spell with the chosen object in its art, create two Treasure tokens.
Partner (You can have two commanders if both have partner.)

Pointy Finger of Doom

{3}, {T}: Spin this artifact in the middle of the table so that it rotates completely at least once, then destroy the closest permanent the finger points to.

Disemvowel

Destroy target creature. That creature's controller loses 1 life for each unique vowel in the creature's name. (The vowels are A, E, I, O, U, and Y.)

Decisions, Decisions

Reveal the top three cards of your library, then choose a consonant. (Y counts.) Put each card that has the chosen letter in the first word of its name from among them into your hand and the rest on the bottom of your library in any order.

GO TO JAIL

When this enchantment enters, exile target creature an opponent controls until this enchantment leaves the battlefield.
At the beginning of the upkeep of the exiled card's owner, that player rolls two six-sided dice. If they roll doubles, sacrifice this enchantment.

Form of the Approach of the Second Sun

When this enchantment enters, you gain 7 life. You become a card until you leave your library or that library is shuffled. Put yourself seventh from the top, balancing the cards on top of you on your head.
When you draw yourself, you win the game.
When one or more cards fall off your head, exile them and all cards on your head, then sacrifice this enchantment.

Vile Bile

Whenever a player's skin or fingernail touches this creature, that player loses 2 life.

Red-Hot Hottie

Whenever this creature deals damage to a creature, put a third-degree-burn counter on that creature. It gains "At the beginning of each end step, sacrifice this creature unless you scream 'Aaah!' at the top of your lungs."

Centaur of Attention

When this creature enters, roll five six-sided dice and store those results on it.
At the beginning of combat on your turn, you may reroll any number of this creature's stored results.
This creature gets +X/+X, where X is the greatest number of stored results on it of the same value.

Animate Graveyard

Enchant your graveyard
Enchanted graveyard is a creature on the battlefield with base power and toughness each equal to the number of cards in it. It has the text boxes of all creature cards in it. It's still a graveyard.
If enchanted graveyard would leave the battlefield, instead exile this Aura.

Enroll in the Coalition

You are a Flagbearer.
While choosing targets as part of casting a spell or activating an ability, your opponents must choose at least one Flagbearer if able.

Standing Army

As long as you're standing, this creature has vigilance.

D00-DL, Caricaturist

When D00-DL, Caricaturist enters, create a 4/4 colorless Sketch creature token, which you have fifteen seconds to draw. The token has flying if it has wings in its art. The same is true for first strike and a sword, vigilance and a shield, menace and mean eyes, trample and horns, deathtouch and claws, lifelink and fangs, and haste and footwear.

Gray Merchant of Alphabet

When this creature enters, choose a letter. For each creature you control that has the chosen letter in its name, you gain 1 life and each opponent loses 1 life.

Side to Side

You and target opponent arm-wrestle. If you win, create a 3/3 green Ape creature token.

Handcuffs

As this enchantment enters, choose a player.
When the chosen player's hands aren't touching each other, sacrifice this enchantment and that player sacrifices three permanents.

Mirrored Lotus

Reflect {0} (As this enters, each opponent may pay {0}. When they do, they create a token copy of this except it lacks this ability.)
{T}, Exile Mirrored Lotus: Add three mana of any one color.

Hot Fix

You have ten seconds to look at and rearrange the cards in your library. At the end of those ten seconds, if you're touching one or more of those cards, shuffle.

Call from the Grave

Put a random creature from a random graveyard into play under your control. Call from the Grave deals to you an amount of damage equal to that creature's casting cost.

Goblin Secret Agent

First strike
At the beginning of your upkeep, reveal a card from your hand at random.

Saw in Half

Destroy target creature. If that creature dies this way, its controller creates two tokens that are copies of that creature, except their power is half that creature's power and their toughness is half that creature's toughness. Round up each time.

Kindslaver

{5}, {T}, Sacrifice Kindslaver: A person outside the game controls target player during that player's next turn. Neither player may advise that person until the end of that turn.

Nerf War

Fire a Nerf® blaster until empty at target library from at least two meters away. For each card knocked off that library, put it into its owner's graveyard and Nerf War deals ½ damage to that player. (Foam darts only.)

Letter Bomb

When this artifact enters, sign it and shuffle it into target player's library. That player reveals each card they draw until they draw this card. When that player draws this card, it deals 19½ damage to them.

Sole Performer

{T}: Add {T}{T}. Activate only once each turn. (While activating an ability, use {T} rather than tapping the permanent to pay for {T}.)

Noxious Bayou

{T}: Add {B} or {G}. You get a poison counter.

Clam Session

As this creature enters, choose a word.
At the beginning of your upkeep, you may sing at least six words of a song, at least one of which is the chosen word. If you don't, sacrifice this creature. You can't repeat a song.

Boing!

Return target creature to its owner's hand, then roll a six-sided die. If the result is 3 or less, scry a number of cards equal to the result.

Interplanar Brushwagg

Interplanar (This creature enters onto the interplanar battlefield. Players can't control creatures on the interplanar battlefield.)
Vigilance, haste
Whenever a player attacks with a creature with power 4 or greater, Interplanar Brushwagg also attacks the player or planeswalker that creature is attacking.

Granny's Payback

Problematic Volcano

When Problematic Volcano enters, it deals 4 damage to any target. Then, starting with you, each player assigns their creatures to the left or right of the volcano. Creatures enter to the left or right of the volcano.
Creatures can't block creatures on the other side of the volcano.

Zone of Flame

Enchant zone (Battlefield, command, exile, and stack are shared zones. Each player has their own graveyard, hand, and library zones.)
Whenever one or more cards enter or leave enchanted zone, Zone of Flame deals 1 damage to each opponent. (Tokens aren't cards.)

Ashnod's Coupon

{T}, Sacrifice this artifact: Target player gets you target drink. You pay any costs for the drink.

Rules Lawyer

State-based actions don't apply to you or other permanents you control. (You don't lose the game due to having 0 or less life or drawing from an empty library. Your creatures aren't destroyed due to damage or deathtouch and aren't put into a graveyard due to having 0 or less toughness. Your planeswalkers aren't put into a graveyard if they have 0 loyalty. You don't put a legendary permanent into a graveyard if you control two with the same name. Counters aren't removed from your permanents due to game rules. Permanents you control attached or combined illegally remain on the battlefield. For complete rules and regulations, see rule 704.)