The Ultimate Nightmare of Wizards of the Coast® Customer Service

The Ultimate Nightmare of Wizards of the Coast® Customer Service deals X damage to each of Y target creatures and Z target players or planeswalkers.

Who // What // When // Where // Why

AWOL

Exile target attacking creature. Then remove it from the game. Then put it into the absolutely-removed-from-the-freaking-game-forever zone.

GO TO JAIL

When GO TO JAIL enters, exile target creature an opponent controls until GO TO JAIL leaves the battlefield.
At the beginning of the upkeep of the exiled card's owner, that player rolls two six-sided dice. If they roll doubles, sacrifice GO TO JAIL.

Destroy target creature with reminder text. (Reminder text is any italicized text in parentheses that explains rules you already know.)

Urza, Academy Headmaster

+1: Head to AskUrza.com and click +1.
−1: Head to AskUrza.com and click -1.
−6: Head to AskUrza.com and click -6.