The Ultimate Nightmare of Wizards of the Coast® Customer Service

The Ultimate Nightmare of Wizards of the Coast® Customer Service deals X damage to each of Y target creatures and Z target players or planeswalkers.

Bag Check

Counter target spell, then ask a person outside the game if that spell looks dangerous to them. If they say yes, draw a card, then discard a card.

Grasp of Fate

When this enchantment enters, for each opponent, exile up to one target nonland permanent that player controls until this enchantment leaves the battlefield. (Those permanents return under their owners' control.)

Training Center

This land enters tapped unless you have two or more opponents.
{T}: Add {U} or {R}.

Spy Eye

Flying
Whenever this creature deals combat damage to a player, you may draw a card from that player's library.

Vedalken Plotter

When this creature enters, exchange control of target land you control and target land an opponent controls.

R&D's Secret Lair

Play cards as written. Ignore all errata.
{T}: Add {C}. (This mana is still added to your mana pool.)

Alpine Meadow

({T}: Add {R} or {W}.)
This land enters tapped.

Homeward Path

{T}: Add {C}.
{T}: Each player gains control of all creatures they own.

Exotic Orchard

{T}: Add one mana of any color that a land an opponent controls could produce.

Political Trickery

Exchange control of target land you control and target land an opponent controls. (This effect lasts indefinitely.)

Deep Gnome Terramancer

Flash
Mold Earth — Whenever one or more lands enter under an opponent's control without being played, you may search your library for a Plains card, put it onto the battlefield tapped, then shuffle. Do this only once each turn.

Zedruu the Greathearted

At the beginning of your upkeep, you gain X life and draw X cards, where X is the number of permanents you own that your opponents control.
{U}{R}{W}: Target opponent gains control of target permanent you control.

Flicker of Fate

Exile target creature or enchantment, then return it to the battlefield under its owner's control.

Stocking Tiger

Stocking Tiger enters with a sealed Magic booster pack under it.
When Stocking Tiger deals combat damage to a player, unwrap the booster pack and put it into your hand.

Mystic Monastery

This land enters tapped.
{T}: Add {U}, {R}, or {W}.

Temple of Triumph

This land enters tapped.
When this land enters, scry 1. (Look at the top card of your library. You may put that card on the bottom.)
{T}: Add {R} or {W}.

Goblin Tutor

Roll a six-sided die. If you roll a 1, Goblin Tutor has no effect. Otherwise, search your library for the indicated card, reveal it, put it into your hand, then shuffle.
2 — A card named Goblin Tutor
3 — An enchantment
4 — An artifact
5 — A creature
6 — An instant or sorcery

Chandra, Torch of Defiance

+1: Exile the top card of your library. You may cast that card. If you don't, Chandra deals 2 damage to each opponent.
+1: Add {R}{R}.
−3: Chandra deals 4 damage to target creature.
−7: You get an emblem with "Whenever you cast a spell, this emblem deals 5 damage to any target."

Gift of Immortality

Enchant creature
When enchanted creature dies, return that card to the battlefield under its owner's control. Return this card to the battlefield attached to that creature at the beginning of the next end step.

Arcane Signet

{T}: Add one mana of any color in your commander's color identity.

Aeon Engine

This artifact enters tapped.
{T}, Exile this artifact: Reverse the game's turn order. (For example, if play had proceeded clockwise around the table, it now goes counterclockwise.)

Clambassadors

Whenever this creature deals damage to a player, choose an artifact, creature, or land you control. That player gains control of that permanent.

Hot Fix

You have ten seconds to look at and rearrange the cards in your library. At the end of those ten seconds, if you're touching one or more of those cards, shuffle.

Stet, Draconic Proofreader

Flying
Whenever Stet attacks, you may exile a card from your graveyard. When you do, Stet deals 4 damage to any target whose name begins with the same letter as the exiled card.
{W}: Delete the first letter of target permanent or player's name until end of turn.

Goblin Sleigh Ride

Target creature you control climbs into Goblin Sleigh Ride. You slide them on their merry way. If the creature stayed on, it deals damage equal to its toughness to each other creature touched during the slide.

Magical Hacker

{U}: Change the text of target spell or permanent by replacing all instances of + with -, and vice versa, until end of turn.

Temple of Enlightenment

This land enters tapped.
When this land enters, scry 1. (Look at the top card of your library. You may put that card on the bottom.)
{T}: Add {W} or {U}.

Sea of Clouds

This land enters tapped unless you have two or more opponents.
{T}: Add {W} or {U}.

Super-Duper Death Ray

Trample (This spell can deal excess damage to its target's controller.)
Super-Duper Death Ray deals 4 damage to target creature.

Swiftfoot Boots

Equipped creature has hexproof and haste. (It can't be the target of spells or abilities your opponents control. It can attack and {T} no matter when it came under your control.)
Equip {1} ({1}: Attach to target creature you control. Equip only as a sorcery.)

Punctuate

Punctuate deals damage to target creature equal to half the number of punctuation marks in that creature's text box. (The punctuation marks are ! ? , ; : - — ( ) / " " ' ' & .)

Chaos Wrap

The owner of target permanent shuffles it into their library. Then they may look at the top card of their library and may wrap it. If it's a permanent card, they may put it onto the battlefield. Otherwise, they may put it onto the battlefield face down as a 4/4 red Present creature. (To wrap a card, put it inside lots of sleeves. If it would be dealt damage or destroyed, remove a sleeve from it instead.)

Sacred Foundry

({T}: Add {R} or {W}.)
As this land enters, you may pay 2 life. If you don't, it enters tapped.

Temple of Epiphany

This land enters tapped.
When this land enters, scry 1. (Look at the top card of your library. You may put that card on the bottom.)
{T}: Add {U} or {R}.

Giant Fan

{2}, {T}: Move a counter from one permanent onto another. If the second permanent refers to any kind of counter, the moved counter becomes one of those counters. Otherwise, it becomes a +1/+1 counter.

Fowl Play

Enchant creature
Enchanted creature loses all abilities and is a Bird creature with base power and toughness 1/1.

Darksteel Axe

Indestructible (Effects that say "destroy" don't destroy this Equipment.)
Equipped creature gets +2/+0.
Equip {2}

Spectator Seating

This land enters tapped unless you have two or more opponents.
{T}: Add {R} or {W}.

Angelic Harold

Flying
When Angelic Harold enters, you may put a name sticker on a nonland permanent you own.
Each creature you control with three or more words in its name gets +1/+1.

Side Quest

Target player in an Un-game you can see from your seat gains control of target creature you control until your next turn. At the beginning of your next upkeep, put two +1/+1 counters on that creature. (A creature is on the battlefield of only the game its controller is playing.)

Generous Gift

Destroy target permanent. Its controller creates a 3/3 green Elephant creature token.

Free-for-All

When this enchantment enters, exile all creatures face down.
At the beginning of each player's upkeep, that player chooses a card exiled with this enchantment at random and puts it onto the battlefield.
When this enchantment leaves the battlefield, put all cards exiled with it into their owners' graveyards.

Sol Ring

Command Tower

Garbage Elemental

Cascade (When you cast this spell, exile cards from the top of your library until you exile a nonland card that costs less. You may cast it without paying its mana cost. Put the exiled cards on the bottom in a random order.)
When this creature enters, roll a six-sided die. This creature deals damage equal to the result to target opponent or planeswalker.

Roxi, Publicist to the Stars

Flying
Roxi's power is equal to the number of permanents you control with an art sticker plus the number of cards in your graveyard with an art sticker.
When Roxi enters, distribute up to two art stickers among one or two nonland permanents you own.

Gift of Estates

If an opponent controls more lands than you, search your library for up to three Plains cards, reveal them, put them into your hand, then shuffle.

The Big Top

{T}: Add one mana of any color that appears on your top. (A top is an outerwear garment worn on the upper body.)

Gifts Ungiven

Search your library for up to four cards with different names and reveal them. Target opponent chooses two of those cards. Put the chosen cards into your graveyard and the rest into your hand. Then shuffle.

Red-Hot Hottie

Whenever this creature deals damage to a creature, put a third-degree-burn counter on that creature. It gains "At the beginning of each end step, sacrifice this creature unless you scream 'Aaah!' at the top of your lungs."

Mobile Clone

Using a mobile device, take a picture of target creature. That device enters as a token that's a photocopy of the pictured creature. (Photocopies include Auras, Equipment, counters, and stickers in the shot. Don't touch other people's phones without permission and be careful if you do.)

Darksteel Pendant

Indestructible (Effects that say "destroy" don't destroy this artifact.)
{1}, {T}: Scry 1. (Look at the top card of your library. You may put that card on the bottom.)

Snow Mercy

Whenever a creature deals damage to you, put a globe counter on it.
{T}, {Q}, {T}, {Q}, {T}: Tap all creatures with globe counters on them.

Devil K. Nevil

Haste
When Devil K. Nevil enters, jump it over any number of creatures. If it clears those creatures, put that many +1/+1 counters on it. (You can see a jumping demonstration at DevilKNevil.com.)

Phyrexian Snowcrusher

This creature attacks each combat if able.
{1}{S}: This creature gets +1/+0 until end of turn. ({S} can be paid with one mana from a snow source.)

Forbidden Orchard

{T}: Add one mana of any color.
Whenever you tap this land for mana, target opponent creates a 1/1 colorless Spirit creature token.

Snow-Covered Plains

Reliquary Tower

You have no maximum hand size.
{T}: Add {C}.

Busted!

Counter target spell unless its controller pays {X}, where X is the number of words in the name with the most words among permanents you control.

Darksteel Relic

Indestructible (Effects that say "destroy" don't destroy this artifact.)

Rules Lawyer

State-based actions don't apply to you or other permanents you control. (You don't lose the game due to having 0 or less life or drawing from an empty library. Your creatures aren't destroyed due to damage or deathtouch and aren't put into a graveyard due to having 0 or less toughness. Your planeswalkers aren't put into a graveyard if they have 0 loyalty. You don't put a legendary permanent into a graveyard if you control two with the same name. Counters aren't removed from your permanents due to game rules. Permanents you control attached or combined illegally remain on the battlefield. For complete rules and regulations, see rule 704.)

Form of the Approach of the Second Sun

When this enchantment enters, you gain 7 life. You become a card until you leave your library or that library is shuffled. Put yourself seventh from the top, balancing the cards on top of you on your head.
When you draw yourself, you win the game.
When one or more cards fall off your head, exile them and all cards on your head, then sacrifice this enchantment.

Archaeomancer's Map

When this artifact enters, search your library for up to two basic Plains cards, reveal them, put them into your hand, then shuffle.
Whenever a land an opponent controls enters, if that player controls more lands than you, you may put a land card from your hand onto the battlefield.

Role Reversal

Exchange control of two target permanents that share a permanent type.

Censorship

As this enchantment enters, choose a word.
Whenever a player says the chosen word, this enchantment deals 2 damage to that player.

Darksteel Mutation

Enchant creature
Enchanted creature is an Insect artifact creature with base power and toughness 0/1 and has indestructible, and it loses all other abilities, card types, and creature types.

Slight Malfunction

Choose one —
• Destroy target artifact.
• Roll a six-sided die. When you do, Slight Malfunction deals 1 damage to each of up to X target creatures, where X is the result.

Sulfur Falls

This land enters tapped unless you control an Island or a Mountain.
{T}: Add {U} or {R}.

As Foretold

At the beginning of your upkeep, put a time counter on this enchantment.
Once each turn, you may pay {0} rather than pay the mana cost for a spell you cast with mana value X or less, where X is the number of time counters on this enchantment.

AWOL

Exile target attacking creature. Then remove it from the game. Then put it into the absolutely-removed-from-the-freaking-game-forever zone.

Animate Library

Enchant your library
Enchanted library is an artifact creature on the battlefield with power and toughness each equal to the number of cards in it. It's still a library.
If enchanted library would leave the battlefield, exile this Aura instead.

Nearby Planet

Rangeling (This card is every land type, including Plains, Island, Swamp, Mountain, Forest, Desert, Gate, Lair, Locus, and all those Urza's ones.)
This land enters tapped.
When this land enters, sacrifice it unless you pay {1}.

Chivalrous Chevalier

Flying
When this creature enters, return a creature you control to its owner's hand unless you compliment an opponent.

Collector Protector

{W}, Give an opponent a nonland card you own from outside the game: Prevent the next 1 damage that would be dealt to you or this creature this turn.

Opening Ceremony

Add {W}{U}{B}{R}{G}{C}. You may open a sealed Magic booster pack. Until end of turn, you may cast spells from among the cards in that booster pack.

Comet, Stellar Pup

0: Roll a six-sided die.
1 or 2 — [+2], then create two 1/1 green Squirrel creature tokens. They gain haste until end of turn.
3 — [−1], then return a card with mana value 2 or less from your graveyard to your hand.
4 or 5 — Comet deals damage equal to the number of loyalty counters on him to a creature or player, then [−2].
6 — [+1], and you may activate Comet's loyalty ability two more times this turn.

Plains

Goblin Snowman

Whenever this creature blocks, prevent all combat damage that would be dealt to and dealt by it this turn.
{T}: This creature deals 1 damage to target creature it's blocking.

Will, Scion of Peace

Vigilance
{T}: Spells you cast this turn that are white and/or blue cost {X} less to cast, where X is the amount of life you gained this turn. Activate only as a sorcery.

Path of Ancestry

This land enters tapped.
{T}: Add one mana of any color in your commander's color identity. When that mana is spent to cast a creature spell that shares a creature type with your commander, scry 1. (Look at the top card of your library. You may put that card on the bottom.)

Hallowed Fountain

({T}: Add {W} or {U}.)
As this land enters, you may pay 2 life. If you don't, it enters tapped.

Island

Animate Object

You get seven {TK}. Choose an inanimate object you own from outside the game. Put a power and toughness sticker on it. You may also put a name sticker, an art sticker, and/or an ability sticker on it. Put it onto the battlefield as a creature token.

Party Crasher

Haste
You can attack with this creature once each combat during each opponent's turn.

Fellwar Stone

Approach of the Second Sun

If this spell was cast from your hand and you've cast another spell named Approach of the Second Sun this game, you win the game. Otherwise, put Approach of the Second Sun into its owner's library seventh from the top and you gain 7 life.

Miss Demeanor

Flying, first strike
At the beginning of each other player's upkeep, you may compliment that player on their game play. If you don't, sacrifice this creature.

Gamble

Search your library for a card, put that card into your hand, discard a card at random, then shuffle.

Gifts Given

Search target opponent's library for four cards with different names and reveal them. That player chooses two of those cards. Put the chosen cards into the player's graveyard and the rest into your hand. Then that player shuffles their library.

Wrong Turn

Target opponent gains control of target creature. (If an attacking or blocking creature changes controllers, it's removed from combat.)

Switcheroo

Exchange control of two target creatures.

Exchange of Words

When this enchantment enters, choose two target creatures. For as long as this enchantment remains on the battlefield, exchange the text boxes of those creatures.

Raugrin Triome

({T}: Add {U}, {R}, or {W}.)
This land enters tapped.
Cycling {3} ({3}, Discard this card: Draw a card.)

Irrigated Farmland

({T}: Add {W} or {U}.)
This land enters tapped.
Cycling {2} ({2}, Discard this card: Draw a card.)

Park Map

{1}, Sacrifice this artifact: Search your library for a land card that doesn't have the same art as a permanent you control, reveal it, put it into your hand, then shuffle.

Mountain

Question Elemental?

Did you know this creature has flying?
Are you aware that any time you say something that isn't a question, when a player points out this fact first, they gain control of this creature?

Don't Try This at Home

If a hot source you control would deal damage to a permanent or player, it deals that much damage plus 1 instead. (Something is hot if it has hot things in its art, like fire or explosions.)
{1}{R}, Sacrifice this enchantment: It deals damage equal to twice the number of hot cards in your graveyard to target creature or planeswalker.

Everythingamajig

{1}, {T}: Scry 2.
{1}, {T}, Pay 1 life: Create a 0/1 white Goat creature token.
{7}, {T}, Sacrifice this artifact: Choose target player. At the beginning of the next end step, exchange life totals with that player, exchange control of all permanents you and that player control, and exchange cards in your hands, cards in your libraries, and cards in your graveyards.

Expedition Map

{2}, {T}, Sacrifice this artifact: Search your library for a land card, reveal it, put it into your hand, then shuffle.

I'm Rubber, You're Glue

When you speak in non-rhyming sentences, sacrifice this enchantment.
Say "I'm rubber, you're glue. Everything bounces off me and sticks to you": Change the target of target spell or ability that targets only you.

Shifting Borders

Exchange control of two target lands.
Splice onto Arcane {3}{U} (As you cast an Arcane spell, you may reveal this card from your hand and pay its splice cost. If you do, add this card's effects to that spell.)

Steam Vents

({T}: Add {U} or {R}.)
As this land enters, you may pay 2 life. If you don't, it enters tapped.